The Proper Way to Ride a Moped for Ladies

THE RESUME OF JESUS CHRIST

Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior, and Jesus
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Objective
My name is Jesus - The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.
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Qualifications
· I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19 )
· I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
· I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
· I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13 )
· The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

Occupational Background
· I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49 )
· I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful, or disrespectful.
· My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15 -17)

Skills Work Experiences
· Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind, and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18)
· I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33)
· Most importantly, I have the authority, ability, and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)

Educational Background
· I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6)
· In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3)
· My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105)
· I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21)

Major Accomplishments
· I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26 )
· I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15)
· I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15 )
· I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick, and raised the dead!
· There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

References
Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healing, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration, and supernatural guidance

In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47 ).

Availability
Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:1 ).

The Elephant Story




In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Lincoln Park Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Instructions for Properly Hugging a Baby

Step 1. First, spot a baby



Step 2. Second, be sure that the object you spied is indeed a baby by using sniffing techniques. If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers, this is indeed a baby.



Step 3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.



Step 4. The "paw slide" - simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.



Step 5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented "hug, smile, and lean" so as to achieve the best photo quality.



Dogs, if this is properly done, it will secure you a warm, dry, climate-controlled environment for the rest of your life. Good luck to all of you!

A New Breed of Safety Gears

Ultra Tough Construction Helmet



Super Stretchable and Flexible Face Shield



Lightweight, Custom-Printed Face Protector

Parents of the Year

11th Place


10th Place


9th Place


8th Place


7th Place


6th Place


5th Place


4th Place


3rd Place


2nd Place


And the winner is...



Did any of you, parents, fit the list? :-)

The following picture shows how to weigh one's self accurately. I can't believe I've been doing it wrong all these years.

If Yan can cook, so can Aneta Florczyk. The only difference is Aneta can make frying pan rolls:

Vanessa Dobos is a gunner on a USAF AC-130 gunship. She has seen action in Iraq and Afghanistan. She likes long walks on the beach, men who aren't afraid to cry, and puppies.


Her dislikes include feed tray stoppages, tracer flareout of her night vision goggles, and premature fixed-wing strikes scattering her high-value targets. Read more about her here.

Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road

(10 Commandments for Drivers)



I: You shall not kill. And continue

II. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

III. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

IV. Be charitable and help your neighbour in need, especially victims of accidents.

V. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

VI. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

VII. Support the families of accident victims.

VIII. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

IX. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

X. Feel responsible toward others.

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

PURE ANARCHY:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.